Today, on my twitter, (@tarisafarii) I tweeted, “Resigning ALL my ghosting ways and putting my big girl pants on!” It was my announcement to the world (but mostly to myself) that I was no longer going to avoid conflict and/or play with people’s feelings. Today, I have officially decided to navigate the dating world as an adult–which means being honest about how i feel instead of doing what I do best…disappearing.
1. Is it ever okay to ghost?
First of all what is ghosting. According to urban dictionary, Ghosting is “The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just “get the hint” and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested. Ghosting is not specific to a certain gender and is closely related to the subject’s maturity and communication skills. Many attempt to justify ghosting as a way to cease dating the ghostee without hurting their feelings, but it in fact proves the subject is thinking more of themselves, as ghosting often creates more confusion for the ghostee than if the subject kindly stated how he/she feels.”
WOW! What a definition. SO is it okay to ghost? NO.
HOWEVER. If there has been ONE date then ghosting MIGHT be acceptable. Depending on the relationship leading up to the date. Although, I feel it takes a very perceptive person to know what another person is thinking. Talking is always best. It doesn’t even need to be in a person– a quick, “hey, not really feeling the vibes! Let’s be friends!” is much better than dead silence. For example, Mark (in my 2-date curse story) texted me and said “Hey, I’m not feeling those type of romantic feelings towards you. Can we be friends?” It was quick, straight to the point, and guess what? Me and Mark are actually friends to this day. As in–he texted- me-3-hours-ago-just-to-talk-kind -of-friends.
2. How Should I Ghost?
Okay, if you MUST ghost then do not lead them on. Do not text them when you are drunk. Or lonely. Or Horny. If you stop reaching out, and they continue to reach out, this is the time when you must STOP ghosting and SPEAK to them. Some people need clear and visible signs, and that is OK. Don’t judge them based on this.
3. What if i ghost someone and then want to see them again?
Tough luck bubs! Story time: three years ago I was hanging out with this dude named Nino (this isn’t a name change, if you know him don’t tell him I was salty about this!). One day he just stopped replying to my texts. I was furious! (Disclaimer: I am the biggest hypocrite when it comes to texting. I demand attention and want people to text me back in a timely manner when I text them but I don’t do the same for others. I vow to change this behavior.) Anyway, he didn’t respond to my texts for 4 weeks, and then randomly texted me and asked me to dinner. OH MY GOSH, did I give it to him. I was so mad. How dare you ignore me? And so I did what I did best. I ignored him. *shrugs*
However, if you truly think you made a ghosting faux-pas then please pick up the phone and apologize. Say you miss them. Make it short, sweet, and see how they respond.
4. What if I bump into someone I ghosted?
Play it cool friend. Say hello. Catch up. This was someone you knew! AND maybe someone you even slept with. Be humane about it.
5. What if I think I’ve been ghosted?
Okay. Signs of ghosting. 1. Perpetual Flakiness = if they agree to do something and then cancel, that person is not actually excited to hang out with you. I mean who cancels on something they’ve been looking forward to? 2. They’re always “busy” = they just don’t want to hangout with you. Trust me, I am an extremely busy human being. I do a LOT. But if I like someone, I will move mountains. M O U N T A I N S! 3. Texting is lessening = did you go from texting everyday (the whole texting everyday thing is a bit much but you get the gist ) to longer periods of time without contact? This is probably the biggest sign. If this is happening to you, it’s time to pack your bag and make a graceful exit!
So you can use those signs and ASSUME you’ve been ghosted. OR you can do what I aim to do in all situations of confusion: ASK.
However, if you are in a toxic and abusive relationship GHOST and GHOST hard. This is a good type of ghosting. I promise.