I wish I could say that every date I’ve ever been on has gone smooth sailing. I know we all have our own experiences of being the victim of a horrible first date, and after being through so many terrible first dates I vowed to always tread the waters carefuly whilst dating. However, I’ve been your worst date nightmare. I promise. Here’s what happened.
I met Jake the weekend prior to our first date at a bar in the Grove on a Friday night. He was funny, we switched numbers, and I promised that we’d meet up at the Art Museum the following day at 10am. I woke up Saturday afternoon with 3 missed calls and 7 text messages. I had missed my date with Jake. I jumped out of bed, got my mind together, and drafted the best “I’m-really-sorry-I-ditched-you-let’s-try-again.” text. What does a text message like that consist of? Lies. All lies. I told him that my best friend (sorry Erin) had been throwing up all morning, and I had been by her side and hadn’t even thought about looking at my phone. He said he understood, we rescheduled for the following weekend.
If you know me, you know that I am terrible at planning. I am a “yes woman”–meaning I say yes to any and all invitations without double checking my schedule. (Don’t worry I am actively working on this, I now have a planner). When Jake and I rescheduled our date, I had forgotten that it was also the same night I had agreed to get drinks with my co-workers. We had been planning this night for weeks in advance, and I wasn’t planning on canceling. I had double booked again. I thought, if there’s anything I can do–is be two places at once.
Saturday afternoon came. I was planning on meeting Cassie + Michelle at the MoonRise Hotel at 6:30pm for drinks. I was going to meet Jake at the Cheesecake Factory for more drinks at 9:00pm. 6:30 came and went. Then 7:30. By 8:45, I was still sitting at the bar with my girlfriends laughing, and drinking. I had spent the morning and afternoon at a cooking class. Besides eating the various samples of my food, hadn’t eaten anything else. Due to that, I was already feeling the alcohol rushing through my veins by my 3rd glass of wine. 9:00 came and Jake texted me that he was walking into the cheesecake factory. I didn’t respond. 9:30 came around and I asked him if he could meet me at my house for a movie night. He agreed, paid for his one drink, and said that his GPS had informed him that he could be at my house within 20 minutes. I drank another glass of wine, and before I knew it, it was 11:00.
I am cringing as I write this, and I know you’re cringing, but it gets worse. I finally got to my house at midnight, and Jake had been patiently waiting. However, after 5 glasses of wine, and a shot of tequila I knew I was intoxicated. I invited him in, gave him a quick tour, and offered him a beer. Soon enough we were sitting at my dining room table, he was chatting, and I was falling asleep. I could barely keep my eyes open, and he was trying to talk about Trump, healthcare, and his obsession with mountain climbing. 10 minutes later he left to go to the bathroom, and I decided to take a quick nap on the couch while waiting for him to come out….
…I didn’t wake up until the next morning.
The last time I saw Jake was when he was walking into my bathroom. I haven’t talked to Jake since. I tried to apologize, I really did, but he never responded.
So, Jake… if you’re reading this I am extremely sorry. I hope you’re out there living your best life and sharing this story with all your friends.